To Improve Your Life, Stop Trying to Improve Yourself
Instead, focus on finding those who already see your value
In 2019 I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship. It took me another six months to get past the love hangover.
At the same time, my finances were also shaky. The freelance gigs dried up, and I had to get a nine-to-five.
Needless to say, it felt like the end of an era. For years I had been working so hard for certain things, and they hadn’t materialized. My life was headed in the wrong direction.
As a self-proclaimed “Mr. Self-Improvement” my first thought was that something about me needed fixing. So I was about to go ham on becoming Alex the Perfect. Someone who’d be immune to heartbreak and financial troubles.
But then… the Universe stepped in.
One day, after listening to Hidden Brain my app jumped to an old episode of the podcast I make. The one where I interviewed Seth Godin. And it landed on this part that had originally gone over my head:
“Most doors aren’t gonna open. And the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it.
But if you’re spending a lot of time banging against a door that has no history of opening, you’re hiding.
And instead, it makes more sense to engage with people who want to hear from you, than yelling at people who are trying to ignore you.” — Seth Godin
Suddenly, I felt like I had found a cheat code to life. An epiphany.
Immediately I knew this was too simple, too obvious, and too ignored — which meant it had to be true.
Seth’s advice finally made sense. And it set me free.
This works in romance, friendships, and professional life. Let me show you how this approach propels your life into a higher orbit.
The Power of a Receptive Audience
We spend so much time trying to become thinner, richer, smarter, or funnier — just to be accepted by others. Or to find love. Or we do it to land a dream job. I’ve been guilty of it myself.
But what ends up happening? They end up liking us less. We’re trying too hard and it turns them off. We’re banging on doors that won’t open.
Face the facts. On this earth there are some people who will never like us.
Humans naturally despise those who court them, but respect those who do not give way to them. — Thucydides
Stop banging against doors that won’t open. Stop yelling at people who will never like you.
To completely transform your life, focus on finding the people who already value what you are right now. Stay close to them and treat them well. Magic ensues.
Let me explain why.
It All Goes Back to Product-Market Fit
Stick with me for a moment, I promise this will make sense.
In business, a company will only meet success if they’re able to reach “product-market fit.” It’s the sweet spot where a product perfectly fulfills the needs of a market no one else is catering to. Low supply + high demand = $$$$.
Now, let’s also think of your success in business terms.
The product is you. The market is your audience — the people you interact with, spend time with, and work with. You should choose the audience with the highest demand. Because this maximizes your “profits” aka your happiness reflected with tangible results. This means landing the perfect spouse, strong friendships, or a dream job.
Well, making serious tweaks to yourself (the product) is a long, difficult process. But changing who you spend time with (your market) can be done reasonably quickly. Therefore, if you want to maximize your happiness, the most drastic changes will always come from adjusting your audience.
And you keep adjusting slightly until you find an ideal product-market fit.
Anytime you’re putting forth the effort yet still falling short of your goals, remember: you’re simply talking to the wrong crowd. Effort can only take you so far. The real leverage comes from finding an audience that resonates with your effort.
Success Is Context-Based
On the internet, there is a quote often attributed to Einstein. He said “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
If instead, you judge the fish by its ability to swim, it’s a genius. The context determines the value.
It’s now clear that success isn’t merit-based, it’s context-based.
“Everything you want in life is a relationship away.” — Idowu Koyenikan
A good life isn’t built on hard work alone. I argue that hard work is actually secondary. How else would you explain those people who seem to attract good luck without struggling much? And why are there so many hard-working, smart people who are also broke and lonely?
Live long enough and you’ll learn that life isn’t always fair. Also, that talent alone won’t solve your problems. Instead, a great life can only be built with lots of help from those around you. People who like you and respect you.
Success only happens within an environment that nourishes it. Success is context-based.
I’ve noticed that every time my life levels up, it has always been due to one person who saw value in me. They helped me see my self-worth and opened doors to a whole new scene of people. This new scene is what allowed me to thrive.
In the marketing world, the term we use is “the riches are in the niches.” Find your ideal space in the world and success will come.
“A genius in the wrong position could look like a fool.” ― Idowu Koyenikan
Love What Loves You Back
Jenny Lewis said, “You are what you love and not what loves you back.” That might be true, but if we’re talking about tangible results — strong relationships, societal validation, financial success — those things are determined by what loves you back.
The two categories aren’t always the same. If they are, you are one lucky person.
So if your goal is to improve your life, stop chasing what doesn’t love you. Instead, love what loves you back.
How to Find Your Ideal Audience
Of course, even though luck is a major factor, we don’t want to leave it just to luck. We want to find a way to tip the scales in our favor.
For this reason, we have to adjust our idea of what work means. Stop trying to “fix” yourself. You don’t lack value, you just need to find the right people.
Step away from the scenes that currently undervalue you, and expose yourself to new folks.
Here are some ways that have worked for me:
- Join the right organizations: in 2010 I joined Toastmasters, a public speaking group. Through this group, I met a great woman whom I dated for two years. I’ve also met some of my closest friends there. Friends who down the line opened doors for my career.
- Give back: because it’s the right thing to do. It makes the world better. And sooner or later good things come back to you. Once, while volunteering at a charity I got offered a great job — which I took. This job allowed me to work with major brands and exposed me to a whole new branch of marketing.
- Tell your story: you don’t always have to seek out your ideal audience. Sometimes they come to you. Find platforms (both online and in-person) that make you comfortable sharing your experiences. Vulnerability and authenticity are sexy as hell. This is just one of the many reasons I blog on here, give speeches, and podcast.
- Build a bridge: shake up your network to see what falls out. Whenever stuck, I’ve seen amazing results from asking friends “do you know anyone who could help me?” It has been statistically proven that our biggest opportunities lie not in our closest friends, but within our weaker ties and second-degree connections.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well then, to change your beauty, simply change the beholder. New eyes, new value.
Letting It Fall Into Place
To change your life, the human environment around you is where you hold the most leverage. This is where your energy should go as you’re seeking to level up.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still a big believer in self-improvement. You should want to enhance your communication, your health, your spirituality, and your knowledge. There is a place for all that. But if it’s real-world results you’re after, those are secondary.
Plus, what you’ll notice is that as you improve the quality of your human environment, your self-improvement efforts get a lift too. You’ll be more motivated to do the work if your feet are firmly planted on nourishing soil.
Life is full of paradoxes. To be blind to them is to spin your wheels. Stop trying to change yourself hoping others will like you. Or so that they buy what you’re selling. They’re either a receptive audience, or they’re not.
And you’d be surprised. Sometimes even the people who didn’t like you at first, end up liking you after you’ve dismissed them.
“As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” — Andy Warhol
Just find the right people, right now. Then everything flows.
